Validation through Friendship
I’m attracted to people who are honest (with kindness), who are open (with humility), and who find ways to teach others around them (in small and large ways).
I think they validate me – a term my mom, the psychologist, uses to describe something that affirms the positive values you hold dear.
(Did I mention it’s handy to have a mom that’s a psychologist, when you’re a writer? Cuts down on therapy bills.)
I tend to seek out people that demonstrate the traits I want to have (my mom would say we all do this). I’m lucky to have a world of blogger friends to choose from. I get a lot of validation and insight from these blogger friends, and I try to pay it forward when I can.
Validation through Critiques
I try not to seek validation through critiques, but it is really hard to avoid.
A long time crit partner was seeking validation yesterday – she had recieved four critiques, three that were positive/constructive and one where the critiquer clearly did not understand what she had written. Really, really confused. I tried to point out that there will always be people that don’t get your work – sometimes they’re critiquers, sometimes reviewers, sometimes readers. Agents and editors are (in my experience) the most likely to get it, just because they see so much variety, but even then, your work is only going to resonate with those that “get it” in a major way.
Critiques should be used to improve your work, not so much validate it; but again, it is human nature to want that validation.
Validation through Milestones
The BIG validation that writers seek is publication, or milestones along that path (like getting an agent). Michelle’s insightful post and comments remind me once again how varied people are in what they need to validate them in their writer’s journey. It makes no sense for me to tell you what should validate you – only you can know what affirms the positive values that you hold dear. This is related to The Equation for Writing Success, but different: validation can happen in small and big ways along the way.
Here’s what validates me:
- A blogger friend who says that publishing is not the end-all-be-all; writing is.
- A critique partner who says that my manuscript is the best unpublished work she’s read all year*
- A blogger friend who swoons (publicly!) over my published work.
- A writer/artist friend who wants to draw the characters in my WiP
- A reader who tweets a demand for a sequel
- A book contract
*so, my CP reads this and want to make a correction. She says it’s the best unpublished work she’s read EVER. Can you see why I love her? 🙂
When my CPs or beta readers love my story or my voice. When I get requests from sample pages, or a full request from a partial. (Requests from query only doesn't count).
Positive professional feedback helps most (wrt writing) b/c it lets me know I'm better than I think I am; the enthusiasm and commiseration of bloggers such as yourself always helps me through the doldrums b/c it's nice to know you're not alone; the unflagging/amazing support of my family (for which I never give them enough credit)
I feel validated by having short stories or poems accepted to magazines, critiques in which the reader says they liked something very specific, and thank yous from CPs or other bloggers appreciating advice I gave. Like anyone, I feel most satisfied when someone else tells me that what I do matters and has value to them.
I wish I could get more pumped by manuscript requests when I'm querying, but I have a hard time getting my hopes up there. Is that crazy?
@Stina Why do queries not count? #yourstoryisobviouslyawesome
@Bane I'm glad I can help you get through the doldrums! #andthat'svalidationforme
@Laurel Short story publication! Very cool. And I try to give specific feedback, too, because I know how good that feels. And I do the same thing with requests – I really downplay it in my mind, because I don't want to get too tied up in it. #notcrazy
What an important post! And you're lucky to have a mom like that. 🙂
As writers, validation is just such an enormous thing, I think partially because we work so alone and go so long without it. An mostly because we open our hearts for public display with everything we write.
Positive feedback on my blog posts, requests for personal help from the kids I work with at school, and acceptances of some of my work all keep me going!
SOOOOO right!!! Celebrate every little victory. 😀
@SP It is amazing how validating a request for help can be! Especially when you know you've truly helped them in the end. 🙂
@LisaGG 🙂 Every day I'm writing is a good day.
What a great post!
Little things like DM's from readers on Twitter telling me they read and enjoyed my work are what helps me the most. Yes, of course, becoming published was a huge validation for me as well. But those little emails and messages that happen along the way are awesome too 🙂
I'm not immune to the validation of being published. First, because it's a goal I set for myself long ago. Second, because it's hard to completely escape your ego.
But, really, it's all about the writing. I think, in the end, I simply have stories I want to write, and I want to write them as well as I can. And that sort of valuation comes from inside, from a sense that this is what I wanted and needed. Now, I'm happy to be pushed. Outside opinions will push me to better myself. But in the end the one validation that matters most is my own. Am I satisfied with this story?
@Lisa Readers rock. 🙂
@Bryan You have to decide what validates you, so whatever that is, it's fine. I know you are a storyteller, though, and I think even after you reach your milestone (maybe especially after) you will find that is what is most rewarding.
Perhaps we could all use a shot of self-esteem in the arm sometimes.
Little things, like the constant support and love from my family and the amazing compliments and support from my co-author Trisha Leaver. Without these people, I wouldn't be half as confident as I am today.
Sorry for the anonymous post. . .blogger hates me today. Lindsay @ Tiptoe-Kisses
Beautiful post! It's so nice to stand back and take a good look at why we do things and what truly motivates us. Sometimes I have to refocus, but that's alright. I think what validates me is tracking my own improvement (not compared to anyone else, just myself). It's so great to see growth and know that I'm getting somewhere, not matter how small the steps.
@Michael They should carry those at the pharmacy! 🙂
@Lindsay (undercover as Anon!) I can't imagine how cool it must be to have a co-author – a built in person who "gets" your work! Nice.
@Michelle I do that too! (tracking my own improvement). I'm always in a race with myself, and you are right. It is validating to look back and see how far you've come.
Posts like this validate me–seriously. It reassures me that I am not alone in my sometimes unnecessary need for validation! I won a critique of a PB critique from Caroline Rose at All4Alabama, and boy did I receive great validating feedback! I am ready to move and shake. 🙂
When I see growth in my writing every few months I feel validated. Just sending out queries is somewhat validating. I agree with Stina when requests come in off just the query. Yes, someone likes your idea but they haven't seen your writing yet. When someone requests off my writing I know they are truly interested. Good questions.
@Shannon Yay! And I love those inspirational crits that get you all fired up! Go, go, go!
@Laura I guess that makes sense, having it be more validating off the sample pages. I still like the validation of liking my ideas, though. 🙂
Love how your list starts with the validation of writing in itself. I guess I must be extremely introverted, because the process of writing and reading it back to myself and liking it—or planting a new garden and knowing it looks awesome (guess what I've been doing)—gives me more validation than anything else…not that I don't get a HUGE boost when praise comes from the outside, of course. 😉
hi miss susan! for sure this is a cool post. it got me thinking on lots of stuff. for writing its just writing. critiques that dont just say what i could need to do better but also say what i did really good. mental sick people that dont never get much love that ask me for a hug at where my brother works(im a really good hugger).cool comments on my posts. your comments on my comments on your blog. 🙂 kids thats sick with my sickness and could need my support. people that ask me to pray for them. yikes! theres sooo much stuff that could get me validated. mostly is just real simple stuff.
…hugs from lenny
I love this post, Susan. LOVE it.
Right now I'm having so much fun with my WIP that I'm feeling that pure joy of just writing something that I know is good. Sure, I would love to have it published some day, but I'm just having fun challenging myself to follow these characters and figure out what they would do. To write better than I ever have before. It's such a blast! And I feel validated in knowing that my writing has improved so much.
But when a cp told me a particular chapter was "masterful," I have to admit, I lapped it up like a dog 🙂
@Nicki I think some people are more internally validated than others – count yourself lucky with that!
@Lenny Simple, but wonderful, Lenny! Sometimes we forget that a simple hug can be the best thing in the whole world! I'm so glad you can share them!!
@Sherrie Oh that feeling, when you've grown and written your best stuff so far and someone loves it? Oh yes. THAT feeling. #awesome
It's wonderful when we connect with other people in such a supportive way. I'm glad you've got great friends and family to help you along the way.
@Michelle I do indeed! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!
My critique partners and I met this morning, and guess what? Validation flowed. I really believe people are placed in your life to support the path you are on, and my CP's are the perfect example of that. Of course when you hear the phrase, "I couldn't put it down," by someone who reads your MS, that's sweet validation too.
@Leslie Nice! And I think, if we are careful about it, we can surround ourselves with just those kind of people.
Susan, thanks for directing me back to this! I truly do love the validation and motivations we writers can give to one another. It's such a wonderful community we inhabit that endlessly cheers on the successes and bemoans the pitfalls of our fellow members. It's a good place to be. 🙂
I love this post, and we all need "validation." I love that term. I usually call it affirmation. The best validation for me is when a writer I highly respect tells me how much they enjoyed my work and how they never tire of it. Or when my writing moves someone to tears. Or at critique, when everyone busts up at the right places in a humorous piece. And a raving review from a reviewer or person I don't know sure helps with validation.
@Marie I missed your comment before! #oops And you are a cheerleader extraordinaire! #loveya
@Lyn I love all those! They keep me going. 🙂